A Night on the Boat

In summer 2019 me, Ev and our friend Lewis wanted to go away together before me and Ev went on our big trip. I found somewhere on Airbnb, not too far, cheap, and cool-looking. It was a boat. Not a fancy boat in the slightest but I thought it would be fun.

Lew drove us all the 2-hour drive to Loddon (in Norfolk) and we parked next to a river where the Satnav directed us. We walked up and down looking for our boat but couldn’t find it anywhere. Thankfully, a kind passer-by looked at our booking and informed us that this wasn’t kept on the lake but in the house opposite. So over we went. A pleasant, if not very weird, welcome from the owner who showed us the garden and then over to the small lake on what sat the saddest looking boat I have ever seen. It was covered in green slime, bird shit, and hundreds of leaves. While we were taking this all in the owner got distracted by some very cute ducklings and watched them for a while whilst we stood trying to not laugh.  At least having time to process the outside enabled us to prepare for the horror of the inside. The smell was the first thing that hit us, overwhelmingly damp. It was a squeeze, much tighter than I had expected. We stepped in and to the right was a small section with a mattress and a lot of mould, and to the left a table with bench seats around it. Immediately I realised that was not enough sleeping space for us all so asked how we disassemble the table, the owner said she had no idea. There was no toilet on board so she had told us she would leave the backdoor of her house unlocked if we needed to go in at night (she didn’t do this).

When she deboarded we couldn’t help but laugh, it was gross and I was scared to touch anything. Lew instantly said that he would sleep in his car, we decided we would just get over it as after a night of drinking we probably we wouldn’t care. We drank a lot of southern comfort on the boat and then managed to spin the table apart and pull the bench pillows to make another bed before we headed into Loddon village.

First, we went to the pub, and people looked at us like we were aliens, we were told it's rare they have “outsiders”. Outsiders! But, by the end of that night we had met a lot of people here.  A biker named Lee who was going through a divorce, after making us jump he told us he was going to creep up on us and kill us then laughed hysterically- weirdly this didn’t put us off him and he stuck about for a bit. We also met an odd old man who wouldn’t tell us his name or job but kept offering life advice that didn’t make sense. And a middle-aged woman who was very kind.

After drinking too much we headed to the Chinese and ordered an abundance of food, including 2 portions of crab claws that I insisted Lewis buy me like a spoiled child at Christmas. In the Chinese, we met more drunks, a middle-aged couple who were a lot of fun and we ended up having a lock-in whilst we all chattered drunkenly.

Throughout the evening we had heard a lot of talk of the local club so decided to hunt for it whilst we ate our Chinese, our friends had given us directions which included crawling through a hole in a bush. We headed in the direction they pointed with far too much food, the claws were unfortunately sacrificed s that we could comfortably transport our dinner. After a few minutes, we saw an opening in a bush a wandered through, we saw a few people so determined this as the place. It was the place. Just not the place we had hoped for. It was not a club, it was more of a community center with not a lot of people inside, handwritten drink menus, and music playing from a budget stereo.

Within minutes we noticed that every person we had met throughout the evening was in one room, no longer were we outsiders. We drank here for a while and made more friends outside. We were treated like local celebrities, it was so surreal everyone wanted to talk to us. Some scarier-looking lads overheard a stupid conversation we were having and decided I was scary, when I walked past one said don’t mess with her. Hilarious!

After a few hours, we decided to head back to the boat, accompanied by biker Lee. We all sat on top of the boat as we were certain Lee wouldn’t fit inside as he was very tall and the boat was very cramped. After a strange conversation with Lee Lew decided he would sleep in the boat that night so finally, the three of us went inside and tried to sleep, it was so gross. My skin felt prickly and my shoulders hunched whenever I moved as I felt something deadly would get me.  I was also quietly terrified that we would be murdered, as were just in someone’s garden in an unlocked boat.

We all managed to avoid the mouldy walls and slept a small amount but promptly headed out of there the next morning and drove to a nearby Mcdonald's for some food. Easily distracted as ever, we saw a sign for “Africa Alive” and headed there on the way home. I can’t remember too much about this apart from giant windmills and watching giraffes have sex for quite a while.

Definitely one of the weirdest nights out I’ve ever had, and not at all how imagined sleeping on a boat.