My Whole World Changed

 "Let's try for a baby," a conversation we danced around for months, and to be honest the prospect terrified me. I knew I wanted children, lots of them- a busy house, but now? What if we can't afford it, or what if it means I lose myself, or what if, what if, what if until I had exhausted all panic. 

It seemed when I would peek through the fear Ev would retreat into it and so it went on, until one afternoon while we ambled around Florence the stars, or storks, aligned and we agreed, now is time. 

The following months consisted of my worries rearing and fading and un-stereotypically it was Ev who was more "ready."  Each month would come and go, ovulation tracking, pregnancy testing, and disappointment rolled into life just going on as it is, was.  It's weird you're taught that if you ever have unprotected sex, "you will get pregnant and die," maybe not as dramatic as to die as Coach Carr would have us believe but the former isn't such a given either. The average couple takes up to a year to conceive, but most couples only find that out when they're already in the process and feeling like they're "failing," this should be common knowledge- fertility lessons alongside anatomy? It would help to avoid the pressure and heartache that so many go through. We were very lucky and our journey wasn't a particularly long one, but even so, an ingrained understanding that it isn't as instant as you are fearfully warned for years, would have been reassuring. 

Planning for the following years and months became odd, we'd discuss adventures, but then follow it with- if we're not pregnant, think about events and how they may be different if I were sporting a bowling ball size bump, or with a baby of our own. Thinking into the unknown was weird and unsettling yet weirdly comforting to know that the change wasn't happening just yet, and more so that I didn't have to change. I wanted it so much, but worried so much about who I'd be and what I'd lose. Each negative pregnancy test broke my heart but then in turn gave me another month of me how I knew myself. 

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Marbella '22

Fourteen of us piled into a villa not far from the beach for two weeks of relaxing. Exactly what I needed after a chaotic end to term, beers on the beach whilst the sun freckled me - my paradise. Surrounded by family, and more to come, Ev and I couldn't be happier however he insisted on a date night so we could have some time just for us. And by insisted I mean mentioned relentlessly for months leading up to it, night three to be exact. 

So when the late afternoon of day two rolled in I was surprised that he wanted to bring our evening a day forward but happily agreed and took my time getting ready. On reflection, there were many signs that I overlooked. 

As we walked towards the beach he rambled incoherently, I put it down to hunger. We walked hand in hand with our toes in the water reminiscing our travels and admiring the sights around, the sun was close to setting and the beach was emptying. I walked on slightly ahead as he slowed his pace and when I turned to smile I saw him dropped to one knee holding out a beautiful ring, and suddenly everything made sense. Of course I said yes, and we smiled like Cheshire cats as we bounded off the beach. 

The perfect spot for an engagement

Electric with energy words spilled from us both as we marched further and further into the unknown, he divulged how he kept such a secret for months and months and that almost everyone I've ever met already knows - a miracle no one told me as my family alone are dreadful secret keepers. He explained the ring had been hidden in his shoe so when I had carelessly unpacked and launched it across the room the previous day he had, had minor palpitations. We laughed and hugged and jibbered on and on until we realised we had passed all restaurants and bars, and were now just heading into a quiet abyss. Not wanting the lonely walks of previous holiday mishaps we turned and tried to focus on finding somewhere to eat, the highly reviewed place Ev had planned was closed on Mondays, so we headed into somewhere nearby and carried on our excitement. 

A dreadful meal was overlooked by their radio station of choice playing one of Ev's late father's favourite songs as we shared our first drinks as fiancés. 

Shortly after we arrived back at the villa to huge celebrations, the children fired party poppers and we drank shot after shot. The following days were much the same, celebration drinks, wedding planning ideas, and more obligatory shots. Soon enough we hit the halfway mark and my brother and his family flew out to join us, so the celebration continued and the holiday excitement was re-sparked. 

As if one life-changing moment wasn't enough for this holiday another followed closely. 

"I think I'm pregnant," I announced to Ev one morning. He smiled, I had said that every month since we started this journey, "wait a few more days," he said kindly. This was different I thought, but he was right I'd wait. Not a few days though, the following afternoon my brother's wife, my best friend, and I went to the supermarket and I swore her to secrecy as we scouted for pregnancy tests. No luck, we were informed the only place to obtain them is in a pharmacy - none of which would be open now. 

I feigned drinking for the rest of that day and the following morning Ev and I set about our search under the "Ev's eczema" pretence,  a forty-minute walk in thirty-six-degree heat later we found the treasure and after downing as much water as possible I entered a café to seek our answer. 

Two minutes felt like two hundred as I waited in the humid cubicle, then ever so lightly that second line appeared. I snatched up the test and the line vanished, visible only under the perfect light so faint it almost wasn't there at all. Without the certain answer I had sought, I returned to Ev and shared my findings, excitement crept onto his face and I mirrored it anxiously.  Needing more clarification I returned to the pharmacy and bought a digital test, no faint lines there. We walked home with this bizarre in-between feeling lingering around us, talking about "If we are pregnant...." not wanting to get too excited only to face shattering disappointment.  

Within minutes of passing through the door I had taken test number two, another two minutes passed and this one ended with, "no embarazada," flashing on the screen. I didn't need google translate to drum in this unwanted answer. My heart sank and disappointment washed over me, how could I miss something that just hours ago I didn't know about and was never truly sure I had? 

I feigned drinking again as I still wasn't certain either way, some hope was still bubbling.  Over the course of the next two days I ordered three Glovo deliveries, consisting of seven more non-digital tests. Some light research informed me that they are not as sensitive so if you are in early pregnancy they may incorrectly report you as, "no embarazada."

Each test I took the line showed a little darker, until the one at six am, just hours after Ev had returned from stag do number one we got a confirmation, two solid lines. I'm pregnant, we're having a baby. (!!!)

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Just like that, in two weeks my whole world changed. I felt like a new person when I arrived back to our tiny house where our little cat, Sid Vicious, awaited us. We're to be married, and have a baby. I will never be who I was before that holiday again. I'll do a lot of the same things, but I won't ever be exactly the same.  Unexpectedly, I spent a couple of weeks grieving the person I was and then feeling so guilty for doing so, this is what we wanted and I am so happy but yet felt I was saying goodbye. Thankfully, by chance, I saw this mirrored in a film and felt so relieved that this was totally normal- another thing we should talk more about so as not to ridicule ourselves unnecessarily. 

Since then things have gone up and up, my mental health has never been better: I feel confident in my actions, my old wilful FOMO has gone, I'm at peace when spending time alone- I suppose I'm never really alone at the moment, I'm learning about myself and how my baby is growing. AND to top it off we will be moving to a beautiful house on Foulness Island, where we've dreamed of raising children and animals for years, in just two months- the perfect time to settle before our new addition arrives.  I feel like I'm in a dream, and I'm desperately trying not to, "wait for the bad thing," as my cruel racing brain so loves to do. 

So, welcome aboard to our new adventures where things will hopefully go a little smoother than our travels, as long as I can just calm down.